The REAL Evangelion
by Ayaren
Summary: This is the real, unabridged, true to fault Neon Genesis Evangelion ... do not accept cheap imitations, this is the REAL thing ladies and gentlemen.


Disclaimer: I don't own it, I never did and I probably never will.

The Real Evangelion by Ayaren

A/N: Ok, I know I said when the Angel Sanctuary version was put up there would be no more … I lied. Well, at the time it was the truth, but then I found a copy of this in the bottom of a drawer in my desk and I just had to share it … enjoy

A/N2: This tale has no point and owing to the pointlessness of it all should not be taken seriously at all. It does, however, possess a moral, as you shall find out at the end.

* * *

This is the real, unabridged, true to fault: NEON GENESIS EVANGELION

-cue Evangelion theme-

So, there was this kid called Shinji Ikari, whiny, short, bad haircut (you know who we mean). He suffered from a classic textbook case of child abandonment (as well as a host of other psychological issues). His mother left him when he was little because she was in love with a purple humanoid robot that went by the name Eva-01 and his father chucked him out because he whined too much and talked to the furniture.

Anyway, when he was fourteen his dad found him again after seeing him in footage on television about a strange cult that worshipped ducks. Needless to say, Gendo Ikari dragged his son home by the hair, determined that, since Shinji was to be his only offspring due to impotency, he would find a use for him somewhere.

Shinji was forced to drive the same purple humanoid robot that his mother had previously bonded with and been sucked into. Angered at the fact that the Angels were destroying all duck-life on earth Shinji went on a rampage and killed a few of them, ate a couple of others and met a penguin that changed his whole outlook on the duck front. Oh, and he also fell desperately in denial with his mother's emotionless clone.

Rei Ayanami was her name. Nice girl, quiet, no personality, totally kicked angel butt in her own Eva and then turned out to be part Angel. Poor Shinji watched as his lady love died about three or four times, mostly due to his own stupidity and inability to remember which way the target was facing. Anyway, she gave up on the relationship after about the third death and merged with Lilith instead, discovering an intense desire to engineer apocalypses naked for a living … strange girl.

And yet, still not as strange as one Asuka Langley Soryu, the second child, and that is really all that is important about her. She crashed into Shinji's life with all the subtlety of a bulldozer and then went on to completely crush his theory about how ducks control the universe through secret quacking rituals and are actually capable of spaceflight. Duh, Ilamas people, Ilamas not ducks! She also departed with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, and was subsequently brought back to life … possibly, though the reasoning behind this is uncertain.

But now, on to the most important character of the entire story. Yes folks, none other than the mighty, totally spunky (and gay, remember gay) KAWORU NAGISA!!!

The seventeenth angel, and an advocate of duck rights to life, Kaworu is a boy. By human standards he is gay, pity that --though if you think about it an angel has no concept of gay and straight, so he may be salvageable. Anyway, our spunky guy from heaven comes to Nerv (the organisation that kills angels … angel infestation? Call Nerv on 2015-DESTROY), he seduces the confused Shinji just to cause the pathetic excuse for a life-form even more angst (God found Shinji's suffering amusing). Then our lovely Angel stole Eva-02, just to piss off Asuka and to find his father, Adam, who Nerv imprisoned for failing to pay land-tax on his property at Antarctica for several millennia. Unfortunately the shock of finding out that his father had undergone a sex-change operation and insisted upon being called Lilith drove Kaworu to commit suicide by having Eva-01 rip his head off and drop it in a pool of orange juice.

Humankind breathed a sigh of relief as the next apocalypse was averted for the moment. Shinji turned to the fridge and all that beer in order to find a cure for the sudden depression he was feeling over his boyfriend's untimely demise. But then he was always depressed and no one really knew the difference. Except for the sounds that came from his mouth that sounded remotely like singing, that was a dead giveaway that something was up with our favourite psychiatrist's wet dream.

Basically Shinji was depressed. Gendo's evil schemes were revealed and the Japanese government immediately passed a law forbidding the mass production of cheesy puffs with peanut-butter sauce, thereby destroying any chance he had at world domination.

Asuka broke down when she found a scratch in Eva-02's paintwork and was found catatonic the next day when she discovered that, in addition to the scratch, Eva-02 had actually been chopped into several pieces by Eva-01.

Rei still had no personality to speak of, though the doctors say there is a high chance she might still live a normal life.

Stuff happened … the apocalypse came (again) … Shinji was psychologically traumatised several times … Rei discovered a fascination for hamsters … Asuka bought a Ilama … the apocalypse went home.

THE END

And the moral of the story is:

DRUGS ARE BAD, M'KAY.

* * *

A/N3: 

Again I must say "danke" to Chaos' Immortal, I'm gonna miss all the fun we had at school, hopefully university will be even more fun if you stay in tassie. Kato-san, good luck on the mainland and thanks for aiding me in my quest to understand final genesis. M, I'll really miss you honey, and I promise I'll come visit you and take you out for coffee sometimes. To all those who are reading this, and actually finished it, well done you can be considered officially insane ... just kidding.


End file.
